Tuesday, April 21, 2015

1. What started me looking back.

I am at a time in my life where I need to look back at where I have been, I need to try and better understand the direction I am going. I am a 34 year old stay at home dad. I have a 3 year old and a baby on the way. I worked to help my wife get through college and we always planned on me attending when she got working. This year I got to go back to school and things looked like they were going just as we planned. I had distanced myself from an upbringing that was not conducive to higher education and life was figured out... Well except My mom had called last May and said the doctors found a lump but she was seeing the doctors regularly and that should all be ok... Except in July she said that it has spread to her lungs and she is having issues breathing but she told me not to worry about it. A couple months later and the doctors said her numbers look better. Then I talk to my older brother and hear the opposite. My mom is still trying to protect me. So now I know she is lying to me about how sick she is. It now hits me Moms was too sick to fly when my first was born and we didn't make it up to Alaska last summer to see her My mom still hasn't met her granddaughter. My mom, who had 6 boys just because she wanted a girl. I asked my mom if she could fly down to visit. I had just started school from a 7 year break and could not afford to miss class. She said she would get tickets. I called my mom and she hung up. I messaged her and it says she has seen it but no response. I call her again and she tells me My wife is filling my daughters head with lies. I know that's not my mom. I call her the next day and nothing. The same the day after that. Then someone who knows my mom calls me and says she is in the hospital. Through close friends I find a way to get my family up to Alaska to see my mom. When we got there my mom was already in a coma. My daughter got to talk to her grandma and give her a kiss on the head. She passed later that week. When I got there the doctors told me how bad she really was. The cancer had spread from her breast to her lungs then to the bones and brain. It was so fast. She was a beautiful person. She cared like no other person I know. She made the best peanut butter and jelly sandwich. She always gave her last dollar to someone in need (to a fault). She was maybe a bit of a cat lady she had a bird or twelve in her life and a couple dogs too. She went without so I had clothes and shoes growing up. She told me a few weeks before she passed that it was ok for her to pass because she had us boys and that was her life work. That pissed me off, almost disgusted me that she would make herself the martyr like that. I didn't want her to stop fighting but I think she may have known something I didn't. While I was there taking care of things it became clear I am not going to be able to stay in school this year...

I am going to be telling a mix of stories from my youth and I will talk more about My trip to Alaska. This is my first attempt at writing a blog and still may think I am too cool for it but I know this is something that will help me process all of this. I am also a pretty open person and am happy to answer questions if something is not clear. Sometimes my brain runs a drift and that is when I do some of my best writing it is also when I get half page run on sentences. I will try to keep it readable.

No comments:

Post a Comment