After being kidnapped my parents decided it was best to move. We moved to apartments in Queen Anne. I was around 3 when I got my big wheel. I loved cruising on that thing so much so that for the next Christmas my parents got me a bike. I am fairly sure it was a huffy but that was back in 84 so I don't recall 100%. I wanted to be outside constantly. I rode my bike with the training wheels on it for about a week. My dad was a pizza delivery driver for domino's on the corner. He would work the night shift which meant he slept a lot during the days. I was following the older kids on my bike and I was doing a good job keeping up but they gave me crap about my training wheels. I asked my dad several times to take the training wheels off but he was either heading out the door or just about to lay down. So I took a hammer to the training wheels and bent them up so I could ride like the big kids. Our apartments had a steep driveway coming in off the street at a pretty steep incline. My older brother and I had both skinned ourselves pretty good trying to tame that hill on our dad's banana board. I lined up at the top of the and pushed off to start down the hill. The first time I started right off the edge of the sidewalk and as I started down the training wheel caught and flipped me off the side. I got up picked my bike back up and tried again. this time with enough clearance to not hit my training wheels. I flew down the hill almost to the end of the apartments driveway and I didn't crash. I took the bike back up to the top again and this time I pedaled on the way down and I was able to keep going. I had a few bumps and falls but if I was outside I was on my bike. I loved the freedom to be able to go where I wanted on my bike and there was one person I wanted to be with, my dad. I started going down to the garage at night and taking my bike out so I could go look for my dad. I would ride the streets around Domino's hoping my dad would see me and pick me up. Sometimes when he did I would get to stay in the car and sleep while he did deliveries sometimes he would take me home. I always got in trouble. I didn't care about getting in trouble. If that was the price of getting to see him so be it. My mom was not too happy with me but she understood I wanted my dad.
It was a couple years later my dad moved to his Sister's house and my parents got a divorce. My Grandparents in Utah would have us out for the summer. They took us to museums we hiked Timpanogos cave every summer. We spent most the time with our grandparents. My grandma cooks like a grandma should and my grandpa is the kindest hardest working bad ass I have ever known. My dad lived with them for a few years and we would get to see him from time to time but he never really connected with me. My older brother Edmond played guitar like dad did, he liked sci-fi like dad did, he liked computers like dad did. I wanted to play outside. I never understood how he got to be the way he was. as an adult I can go to Utah and see family and he will try to make himself unavailable. I wish I understood why he wants nothing to do with me. His parents are awesome. His upbringing was wholesome he went to church. Not that that makes you a good person but I am guessing they didn't teach him to act like he has. The one thing He really instilled in me is how shitty it is to grow up with a dad who doesn't care about you. My family and I often talk about how people want better for their kids than what their parents did for them. My joke is my dad cared so much he made that easy for me. Being a dad is the one thing I new I wanted to be when I grew up. I am proud of my little girl and I tell her often.
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
3. Being taken
When I was 3 we lived in Seattle in a cul de sac with a playground in the middle. My mom and I were outside. I was playing on the playground and my mom told me it was time to come in for lunch. I argued and threw a fit so she said she would keep an eye on me from the window while she made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Shortly after she went in I was approached by a teenager who said he had to take me to school with him. I told him I had to stay at the park and I yelled for my mom but he dragged me down the street.
I don't remember much visually but I remember the ring on his right hand it was a pewter skull. He hit me with it when I bit and kicked him trying to free myself. I also remember the feeling of being pulled, taken away, how angry it made me to be powerless. He took me to his teacher and told the teacher I was his nephew. I was wearing a blue knit sweater that was covering / snagged on my id bracelet. I tried to pull my sleeve up. I fought with it the whole time I was in the room with him. I remember thinking if I could show the teacher I wasn't who he said I was the teacher would know something was wrong but I was unable to get my id bracelet out. He took me out by the baseball field between the dugout and the blackberry bushes that lined the fence. He touched me and tried to force me to touch him. After a few minutes he told me if I told anyone he would kill my parents and then he left me there. The school was a little over 2 miles from our home. To this day I have no idea how I knew how to get home. My mom was worried when I got there and I told her what happened. My dad was way bigger than that guy and I knew there was no way that guy could kill my parents. The police came by the house and with what I told them they were able to go to the school check with the teachers and find who the boy was. He lived about 5 houses down the street. My mom took me to the hospital to do tests that the police asked for. When I got home that night I went to bed at 8. I slept for 16 hours before my mom woke me up to eat some food and go to the bathroom. I went right back to sleep and got up the next day like nothing happened.
I remember sitting in the court room on my mom's lap having the judge ask me questions about what I got for Christmas (a chicken gun was my answer, it was a laser gun that had three sounds: laser beam, chicken and fart.) While I did speak well for a three year old they decided it was better for me not to testify. He was convicted. I remember the black man that came over to see me after the trail. He was our neighbor. When I got a little older my mom told me he was a Black Panther and he had some people on the inside take care of my attacker. My mom would lie to me about that but I like to think she didn't. I did group counseling with other kids my age for a while but they weren't any fun. I seemed to heal quick. I didn't want to think about the stuff that was done to me. People always told me it wasn't my fault which kind of bugged me. I never thought it was. This is one of those things that was always kind of there. It was something that happened but not who I was. This is not a story I have shared with many people and it is not what I want to be known for but I want to help those who have been through similar abuse.
I don't remember much visually but I remember the ring on his right hand it was a pewter skull. He hit me with it when I bit and kicked him trying to free myself. I also remember the feeling of being pulled, taken away, how angry it made me to be powerless. He took me to his teacher and told the teacher I was his nephew. I was wearing a blue knit sweater that was covering / snagged on my id bracelet. I tried to pull my sleeve up. I fought with it the whole time I was in the room with him. I remember thinking if I could show the teacher I wasn't who he said I was the teacher would know something was wrong but I was unable to get my id bracelet out. He took me out by the baseball field between the dugout and the blackberry bushes that lined the fence. He touched me and tried to force me to touch him. After a few minutes he told me if I told anyone he would kill my parents and then he left me there. The school was a little over 2 miles from our home. To this day I have no idea how I knew how to get home. My mom was worried when I got there and I told her what happened. My dad was way bigger than that guy and I knew there was no way that guy could kill my parents. The police came by the house and with what I told them they were able to go to the school check with the teachers and find who the boy was. He lived about 5 houses down the street. My mom took me to the hospital to do tests that the police asked for. When I got home that night I went to bed at 8. I slept for 16 hours before my mom woke me up to eat some food and go to the bathroom. I went right back to sleep and got up the next day like nothing happened.
I remember sitting in the court room on my mom's lap having the judge ask me questions about what I got for Christmas (a chicken gun was my answer, it was a laser gun that had three sounds: laser beam, chicken and fart.) While I did speak well for a three year old they decided it was better for me not to testify. He was convicted. I remember the black man that came over to see me after the trail. He was our neighbor. When I got a little older my mom told me he was a Black Panther and he had some people on the inside take care of my attacker. My mom would lie to me about that but I like to think she didn't. I did group counseling with other kids my age for a while but they weren't any fun. I seemed to heal quick. I didn't want to think about the stuff that was done to me. People always told me it wasn't my fault which kind of bugged me. I never thought it was. This is one of those things that was always kind of there. It was something that happened but not who I was. This is not a story I have shared with many people and it is not what I want to be known for but I want to help those who have been through similar abuse.
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
2. Flying to Alaska that night.
10/11/14- I was a little nervous that I hadn't heard from my mom in a few days and she is supposed to be flying down the next week. I get a call from some lady named Gin she tells me my mom is in the hospital and that she will take care of everything. I told her that I was on my way and I will take care of my mom and she replies "no all her stuff. I will take care of that for you, it is all junk". It hits me why do I have no clue who this lady is. She is not a friend my mom has talked to me about. I tell her to leave it alone or I will be talking with the police... She hangs up. My mom has a caregiver but I can't get a hold of him. I am not sure how sick my mom is and I can't trust the people I am talking too on the phone. I haven't lived in Alaska since 2001 but I have a few very good connections up there I can trust. When I had heard my mom had cancer it was through a friend of mine that saw her at chemo. My friend Eleanor was there because she was dealing with cancer herself. I called Eleanor to see if she could go to the hospital and check on my mom. Eleanor always kind of kept an eye on my mom. She would see her at Wal-Mart and go give her a hug for me. I felt bad for asking my friend with stage 4 ovarian cancer to go check how my mom was. Asking her to look at what she could be facing but she went without hesitation. She called me and said I needed to get there. I got on facebook to tell friends of my mom's how she was doing and started making plans to fly up. I got a call from my brother in-law's best friend Matt. Matt asked if I was going up to Alaska to see my mom. I told him I was working it out now and I plan to leave in the next couple days. Matt asked if we could come over. I brought my wife and daughter over and they asked me if they could help get us to Alaska. They just sold there house and his wife had just lost a grandparent to cancer and they wanted to do something to help. They flew my wife, daughter and I to Alaska that night. (I have permanent room in my heart for Matt and Peri they did something for me I will never be able to repay.) We ran home grabbed our bags and headed to the airport.
We got into Anchorage around 1am. I have a younger brother Bryan that I had not seen in 12 years who met us at the airport. (We were separated in states custody.) I fill Bryan in on what is going on and he say he got a call from Gin also... I got a room and we stayed in Anchorage that night there were no rental places open when we landed. The next morning I picked up a rental car and Bryan and we headed down to the peninsula. It was nice to get to catch up with my little brother it was just rough that this is how it was happening. When we got to the hospital the doctors wanted to speak with me. Since my mom did not have any legal organization on how she wanted this situation dealt with it was left up to the 5 sons. None of which were in her custody past the age of 14 and 3 of them were gone before 8. The doctor told me she has had a couple people trying to get medical updates and asked if I wanted to release that information. I told them to direct anyone to me. Several of my brothers were not comfortable making any decisions that came to mom because they felt they did not know her so they all told the hospital to have me take care of any decisions that needed to be made. I was grateful that my brothers trusted me with that and we were able to speed up things getting done to take care of my mom.
While I was sitting with my mom a woman walked in to the room looked at me turned around and walked out. I called to her and got her to stop. I asked her who she was and she said my mom's caregiver. I told her no I know my mom's care giver and she said well she is dating him and she helps out. She then also mentioned that she was buying a trailer from my mom and it is all paid off now... I knew something was up but I honestly didn't care I was there to be with my mom and I knew the kind of filth that gravitated towards my mom's kindness /gullibility. She kept trying to walk away while I was talking to her and I could see she was scared of me. It is something I see a lot I am 6 foot 5 inches and 300lbs and very shy. Sometimes me being quiet makes people nervous thinking I am mean. So I let her actions go since I was taking care of my mom. That afternoon a nurse came in and told me my mom had told her some things the week before to pass on to me. We lived in a small town and my mom thought everyone knew me so she would talk to people about me all the time. I wasn't too surprised the nurse talked to my mom about me. She said they are going to rob her and go out to her trailer and get her computer and the few family items she still had.
My mom lived 20 miles out of town and in a bit of a rough area. I headed to her trailer the next day and it was open someone had been through the trailer and her computer, tv and several other things were gone. there were a couple piles of pill bottles that were dumped out. Then it made more since. I knew my mom had sold some of her pain pills to supplement her income and I chastised her for it but she did as she saw fit. She was not one to think of consequences. Now I was getting to deal with them. I called the police and told them that my mom was in the hospital and someone robed her house. They asked if I had power of attorney and I told them no. They told me that since my mom was not dead it was still her stuff and how did they know someone was not supposed to go in there. I told them about the pill bottles and they seamed to not care. I went back to the hospital.
When I got to the Hospital a nurse asked if I saw my mom's caregiver and that she left right as I was coming in. I told the nurse my mom's caregiver was a man and I she said oh... I wen in to my mom's room and her personal closet was open. All my mom's clothes and her purse were gone. I called the state troopers told them what was going on and again they told me that she is still alive and I could not report theft of belonging that were not mine. I had to wait until the next day to go to my mom's bank to try and put a freeze on her account. When I talked to the person at the bank she told me she could not give me any information on the account. I told her about my mom and her trailer and she was very sorry about that but again no power of attorney, so no way I can do anything. I asked her what if I admitted to stealing the card? Could she close it then and she said no. (You should go set up your power of attorney. It could really help you or the people you love.)
One of the nice things about going up to see my Mom was getting to see the other people in Alaska I had not seen for 7 years. Sunday afternoon I took my family to our church to say hi to a couple people. Mostly the Goodman's They were the family that helped me get out of the group home the state had me in. I was in the home because my mom had gotten sick when I was 14 and my younger brothers went to a foster home. Due to my size they had a hard time finding a foster home that would take me. I stayed in the group home for three years waiting for a family to take me in. It wasn't until I asked if I could go to church on Sunday's that I found my own foster home. It was amazing to see the Goodman's again. They offered for my family to stay with them since they live right by the hospital. They are a big reason I am a semi functioning member of society and not dead. For as tough as my life has been at times some of the people that are put into it out weigh any trials or tribulations I face. I am blessed to have the friend and extended family I do. (Even though some days I still feel alone.)
I was in Alaska for a week my mom passed while I was there. My mom died 10 years to the day that I met my wife. I called all the people I thought should know. I took care of the things I could. The State troopers were still shit bags and the bank was unable to do anything with out a death certificate. They did tell me that there was activity on her account all week and I told the same banker from before to her face that was her fault. I was there to see my mom and say what I needed to say. I got to sit with her when she needed me and I know she is in less pain now. At the time I was not aware how much this would get me looking back to the life we lived. To the horrors I lived through why is that where my mind goes now?
We got into Anchorage around 1am. I have a younger brother Bryan that I had not seen in 12 years who met us at the airport. (We were separated in states custody.) I fill Bryan in on what is going on and he say he got a call from Gin also... I got a room and we stayed in Anchorage that night there were no rental places open when we landed. The next morning I picked up a rental car and Bryan and we headed down to the peninsula. It was nice to get to catch up with my little brother it was just rough that this is how it was happening. When we got to the hospital the doctors wanted to speak with me. Since my mom did not have any legal organization on how she wanted this situation dealt with it was left up to the 5 sons. None of which were in her custody past the age of 14 and 3 of them were gone before 8. The doctor told me she has had a couple people trying to get medical updates and asked if I wanted to release that information. I told them to direct anyone to me. Several of my brothers were not comfortable making any decisions that came to mom because they felt they did not know her so they all told the hospital to have me take care of any decisions that needed to be made. I was grateful that my brothers trusted me with that and we were able to speed up things getting done to take care of my mom.
While I was sitting with my mom a woman walked in to the room looked at me turned around and walked out. I called to her and got her to stop. I asked her who she was and she said my mom's caregiver. I told her no I know my mom's care giver and she said well she is dating him and she helps out. She then also mentioned that she was buying a trailer from my mom and it is all paid off now... I knew something was up but I honestly didn't care I was there to be with my mom and I knew the kind of filth that gravitated towards my mom's kindness /gullibility. She kept trying to walk away while I was talking to her and I could see she was scared of me. It is something I see a lot I am 6 foot 5 inches and 300lbs and very shy. Sometimes me being quiet makes people nervous thinking I am mean. So I let her actions go since I was taking care of my mom. That afternoon a nurse came in and told me my mom had told her some things the week before to pass on to me. We lived in a small town and my mom thought everyone knew me so she would talk to people about me all the time. I wasn't too surprised the nurse talked to my mom about me. She said they are going to rob her and go out to her trailer and get her computer and the few family items she still had.
My mom lived 20 miles out of town and in a bit of a rough area. I headed to her trailer the next day and it was open someone had been through the trailer and her computer, tv and several other things were gone. there were a couple piles of pill bottles that were dumped out. Then it made more since. I knew my mom had sold some of her pain pills to supplement her income and I chastised her for it but she did as she saw fit. She was not one to think of consequences. Now I was getting to deal with them. I called the police and told them that my mom was in the hospital and someone robed her house. They asked if I had power of attorney and I told them no. They told me that since my mom was not dead it was still her stuff and how did they know someone was not supposed to go in there. I told them about the pill bottles and they seamed to not care. I went back to the hospital.
When I got to the Hospital a nurse asked if I saw my mom's caregiver and that she left right as I was coming in. I told the nurse my mom's caregiver was a man and I she said oh... I wen in to my mom's room and her personal closet was open. All my mom's clothes and her purse were gone. I called the state troopers told them what was going on and again they told me that she is still alive and I could not report theft of belonging that were not mine. I had to wait until the next day to go to my mom's bank to try and put a freeze on her account. When I talked to the person at the bank she told me she could not give me any information on the account. I told her about my mom and her trailer and she was very sorry about that but again no power of attorney, so no way I can do anything. I asked her what if I admitted to stealing the card? Could she close it then and she said no. (You should go set up your power of attorney. It could really help you or the people you love.)
One of the nice things about going up to see my Mom was getting to see the other people in Alaska I had not seen for 7 years. Sunday afternoon I took my family to our church to say hi to a couple people. Mostly the Goodman's They were the family that helped me get out of the group home the state had me in. I was in the home because my mom had gotten sick when I was 14 and my younger brothers went to a foster home. Due to my size they had a hard time finding a foster home that would take me. I stayed in the group home for three years waiting for a family to take me in. It wasn't until I asked if I could go to church on Sunday's that I found my own foster home. It was amazing to see the Goodman's again. They offered for my family to stay with them since they live right by the hospital. They are a big reason I am a semi functioning member of society and not dead. For as tough as my life has been at times some of the people that are put into it out weigh any trials or tribulations I face. I am blessed to have the friend and extended family I do. (Even though some days I still feel alone.)
I was in Alaska for a week my mom passed while I was there. My mom died 10 years to the day that I met my wife. I called all the people I thought should know. I took care of the things I could. The State troopers were still shit bags and the bank was unable to do anything with out a death certificate. They did tell me that there was activity on her account all week and I told the same banker from before to her face that was her fault. I was there to see my mom and say what I needed to say. I got to sit with her when she needed me and I know she is in less pain now. At the time I was not aware how much this would get me looking back to the life we lived. To the horrors I lived through why is that where my mind goes now?
1. What started me looking back.
I am at a time in my life where I need to look back at where I have been, I need to try and better understand the direction I am going. I am a 34 year old stay at home dad. I have a 3 year old and a baby on the way. I worked to help my wife get through college and we always planned on me attending when she got working. This year I got to go back to school and things looked like they were going just as we planned. I had distanced myself from an upbringing that was not conducive to higher education and life was figured out... Well except My mom had called last May and said the doctors found a lump but she was seeing the doctors regularly and that should all be ok... Except in July she said that it has spread to her lungs and she is having issues breathing but she told me not to worry about it. A couple months later and the doctors said her numbers look better. Then I talk to my older brother and hear the opposite. My mom is still trying to protect me. So now I know she is lying to me about how sick she is. It now hits me Moms was too sick to fly when my first was born and we didn't make it up to Alaska last summer to see her My mom still hasn't met her granddaughter. My mom, who had 6 boys just because she wanted a girl. I asked my mom if she could fly down to visit. I had just started school from a 7 year break and could not afford to miss class. She said she would get tickets. I called my mom and she hung up. I messaged her and it says she has seen it but no response. I call her again and she tells me My wife is filling my daughters head with lies. I know that's not my mom. I call her the next day and nothing. The same the day after that. Then someone who knows my mom calls me and says she is in the hospital. Through close friends I find a way to get my family up to Alaska to see my mom. When we got there my mom was already in a coma. My daughter got to talk to her grandma and give her a kiss on the head. She passed later that week. When I got there the doctors told me how bad she really was. The cancer had spread from her breast to her lungs then to the bones and brain. It was so fast. She was a beautiful person. She cared like no other person I know. She made the best peanut butter and jelly sandwich. She always gave her last dollar to someone in need (to a fault). She was maybe a bit of a cat lady she had a bird or twelve in her life and a couple dogs too. She went without so I had clothes and shoes growing up. She told me a few weeks before she passed that it was ok for her to pass because she had us boys and that was her life work. That pissed me off, almost disgusted me that she would make herself the martyr like that. I didn't want her to stop fighting but I think she may have known something I didn't. While I was there taking care of things it became clear I am not going to be able to stay in school this year...
I am going to be telling a mix of stories from my youth and I will talk more about My trip to Alaska. This is my first attempt at writing a blog and still may think I am too cool for it but I know this is something that will help me process all of this. I am also a pretty open person and am happy to answer questions if something is not clear. Sometimes my brain runs a drift and that is when I do some of my best writing it is also when I get half page run on sentences. I will try to keep it readable.
I am going to be telling a mix of stories from my youth and I will talk more about My trip to Alaska. This is my first attempt at writing a blog and still may think I am too cool for it but I know this is something that will help me process all of this. I am also a pretty open person and am happy to answer questions if something is not clear. Sometimes my brain runs a drift and that is when I do some of my best writing it is also when I get half page run on sentences. I will try to keep it readable.
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