9. Happy Birthday Honey.

     Paul's parents lived in the same small town we did. They had us over for the holidays and were usually very pleasant. I remember one time my older brother Edmond and I were downstairs at their house playing ping pong. It was cool getting to go there and play on their table. We barely had a table for eating on, they had one just for a game. Paul's dad came down the stairs and looked at my older brother Edmond and I asking. "Would you guys like to plant your own garden?" We both said "sure."  He walked through the room to his office and was gone for a while. Edmond and I thought the question was odd but we were open to the idea of one day planting our own garden. About 15 minutes later Paul's dad came back in yelling at us that he had the stuff ready for us to do the garden and he was waiting for us. Edmond and I looked at each other confused about what he meant. We had thought it was a rhetorical question not an offer to do some gardening right now. We followed him out back where their garden was and he had us start working on it. He tried to sell us the idea that we were going to get some rhubarb crisp for helping plant the garden. That us getting to eat some of the food and putting our work into this garden would make it our garden. It was not uncommon for my mom to lend us to friends of hers that were moving or needed fire wood cut. Sometimes we would get 5 bucks for the full days work. We knew they just wanted us to do their work for them, even if they didn't put it so bluntly. I was a little insulted that he thought that would work on me. I wasn't surprised. This was the guy who promised to teach me to fly fish, then when we got out there he said we had some trees to plant first and when the work was done I would get to fish. I planted pine trees for 6 hours before it got too dark and we had to head home without fishing. That happened three times before I ever got to fish. He had started his own lumber business with his own last name on it. I knew he was a hard worker and wanted to teach me structure and discipline. The problem was, working for free is dumb and that is no way to make a living. I knew that at 11.

      Before my mom knew about Paul being abusive there were problems in their relationship. Money was always tight and Paul was never able to keep a job. He was a truck driver and from what I heard he was bad for trucks. He would take off for days at a time to cool off. Recently while discussing the abuse with Edmond he told me about Paul and mom going in their room and locking the door. Then we would hear mom saying "no" and "stop," then hear her crying. I had not remembered this. It is strange how well I pushed that out of my mind. As soon as Edmond started talking about it I could hear my mom's voice and remembered it clearly. My mom got pregnant with Paul's second child. My mom wasn't taking care of herself like she should and was having issues with her gestational diabetes. She had no energy and was resting or gone most the time. So, while my mom was pregnant we were free range kids. I was trying to stay out of the house to avoid the abuse. Edmond was learning to play guitar or playing video games in his room. Alex and Rich Were either watching cartoons or playing in the back yard, probably with the burn barrel. Alex liked to play with fire. I know he set at least one bed on fire.

     December 26, 1992 my little brother was born. You could feel something in the air, life was just charged. We went to Shelton for New Year's and to show the baby to the grandparents. We also got to go over to some family friend's house. We went home late that night. Mom still seemed wiped out the next day and stayed in bed. We had all helped taking care of the younger brothers. I got a bottle for the baby around 10p.m. Early the next morning my little brother breathed out and just didn't breathe back in. He died 8 hours shy of a week old. He passed away from S.I.D.S. My older brother called 911 because of the baby, but mom was unresponsive also. I don't know if Paul was gone for work or if he was just gone but he was not there. Instead, we as kids were trying to deal with the situation. When the paramedics showed up they were trying to get my mom to wake up. They said her blood sugar was off and they needed to take her to the ER. So the paramedics left Edmond, Alex, Rich and I with the baby while they took mom to the hospital. Another ambulance was sent out. Edmond was 15 and to deal with that like he did was impressive. He did have lots of practice at dealing with bad situations. Before mom and Paul were married, mom went out one Friday night and we were being loud so the neighbor called the cops. When the cops showed up at 3a.m. Alex was crying and with no mom to be found we went to a foster home for a week. They had goats and cots for us to sleep on. We kind of figured that was going to happen again since Paul was not there. Edmond kept an eye on us that night and mom was home the next day. For the next few nights I woke up thinking I had heard crying and would go make a bottle and put it in the crib. I am not sure if I was thinking about it and dreaming about it or if it was my mind trying to deal with the stress.

(My brother & my wife's grandma both passed away on January 2, 1992. That is also her birthday.)

     Most of my mom's friends were from AA so I can't tell you who they are... There were several of her close friends that were Native American. My mom always loved spiritual things. She reached out to those friends and invited everyone to the funeral. It was an open casket and people started putting feathers and dream catchers in with the baby. It was a bit odd to me since we had been raised "holiday attending" Christian but I knew mom loved the support. It was nice to see people cared.